| she found A book that writes itself, that plays it all upon a stage |
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[15 Feb 2006|11:13pm] |
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sorry livejournal
written journals and the occasional myspace blog is working for me right now
see ya around
<3
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[07 Feb 2006|11:59pm] |
I've been hanging on to the bits and pieces as they tore away from me. Tonight, I lost my grip.
I cannot write about this. Why? Because I feel nothing. You remind me of me. I'm more worried about my friendship with the people around us. That's how much you mean right now. Wow, look, we're in the "same ocean" again (sarcasm). You mean as little to me as I've meant to you this past month. Congradulations, you've rendered us both liars. But I could never be as fake as you. My words are now as meaningless as yours always were.
"I fear that I am just an end.So you play the mistaken... and I'll play the victim in our screenplay of desire... I'm still writing the letters I'll never send. Running in circles I can't forget how many times I've played this in my mind.... feeling free, feeling free.Consequence, it's our need in times like these. Feeling free... it's our modern disease. Your a classic disaster, with a knack for losing your exterior. (I'm so sick)... from staring at the mirror.This is my panic... This is my call to arms." -Underoath
"tonight ill lay here the tides call my name but the land spares the depths of the sea again youre waving you swore you could swim but what now when your feet wont touch the ground (do you remember who you used to be) my sweet youre drowning the shore beds my feet and theres no chance of me getting wet but i swear as you scream ill laugh you scream "ironic" and beg for this fever to break or the sweet cascading waves to pull you down" - fear before the march of flames
wow, "you're drowning the shore beds my feet and theres no chance of me getting wet but swear as you scream, ill laugh....you scream ironic"
so maybe i'm a little ..bitter, tonight was my bitter anthem and i deserved it.
that's me, that's what i do. i let someone stomp on me over and over and over and over again for a long time and then i break.
it's happened before and it will happen again.
In a heartbreak, I'd be ready to fix this.
I don't think you've got it in you.
It's becoming easier to ignore the part of me that despartely misses you.
call to arms
all hail your crocidile tears
tell me, oh hallowed one, do you know the meaning of sincere?
y o u a r e a f o r g e r y
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[06 Feb 2006|03:53pm] |
Watch out for needles when pumping gas
Read this before your next gas fill-up. This world gets sicker everyday!
Please take a couple minutes to read this warning about Gas Pump Handles. Warning: Look at the gas pump handle BEFORE you pump your gas. Please read and forward to anyone you know who drives a car.
My name is Captain Abraham Sands of the Jacksonville, Florida, Police Department. I have been asked by state and local authorities to write this email in order to get the word out to car drivers of a very dangerous prank that is occurring in numerous states.
Some person or persons have been affixing hypodermic needles to the underside of gas pump handles! These needles appear to be infected with HIV positive blood. In the Jacksonville area alone, there have been 17 cases of peoplt being stuck by these ncedlcs over the past five (5) months. We have verified reports of at [east 12 others in various states around the country. It is believed that these may be copycat incidents due to someone reading about the crimes or seeing them reported on television. At this point no one has been arrested and catching the perpetrator(s) has become our top priority. Shockingly, of the 17 people who where stuck, 8 have tested HJV positive and because of the nature of the disease, the others could test positive in a couple years.
Evidently the consumers go to fill their car with gas and when picking up the pump handle get stuck with the infected needle.
IT IS IMPERATIVE TO CAREFULLY CT-IECI< THE HANDLE of the gas pump each time you use one. LOOK AT EVERY SURFACE YOUR HAND MAY TOUCH, INCLUDING UNDER THE HANDLEl
If you do find a needle affixed to one, immediately contact your local police department so they can collect the evidence
PLEASE HELP US BY MAINTAINING A VIGILANCE, AND BY FORWARDING THIS MESSAGE TO ANIONE YOU KNOW WHO DRIVES.
THE MORE PEOPLE WHO KNOW OF THIS, THE BETTER PROTECTED
WE CAN ALL BE. Rose Lambert, Chief Aide to Supervisor Gerry Hy1ard
Mount Vernon District, 2511 Parkers Lane, Alexandria, VA 22306-
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[04 Feb 2006|01:13am] |
Take the quiz:
What Song Will They Play At Your Funeral? ((PIX!!))
My Way by Frank Sinatra
You've always done everything your way regardless of consequences. People love and respect you because you're talented and probably beautiful (atleast you know you are). People also hate you for these reasons too. But the turn out for your funeral is enormous because you were a larger than life personality, and no one can imagine the world without you. In other words, you are the balls.
Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!
im sooo tired
im making 100 dollars this weekend
yay for me
ps ive decided im glad i figured out the real you beofre i got in too deep
for the record i don't think i love you anymore
there is so much else out there
take what you've got live in your fucking little hole and don't come crying to me when your world comes crashing down
and that is all i have to say
nitey nite nite
<3
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[01 Feb 2006|07:37pm] |
life does not make any sense sometimes
theres obviously something im missing
for the record
that something is not you
only if provoked, thats me
its like a giant fork stabbing me in the back *provoke* *provoke* *provoke*
i could say the whole ohhh you wont evne know what hit you bit
but drama is your thing
hate to say it
but i couldn't care less
there is SO MUCH going on right now, without this crap
and i hate the way this huge stupid unecessary thing gets created..what a surprise its always the same person and then all these other people get involved, its like the situtations i make fun of and the retarded people who are involved in them IM NOT ONE OF THOSE RETARDS!!!!! IM NOT GOING TO BE SUCKED INTO THIS!!
i just want to go to sleep
i want to go back to the end of '05
i want to know where the hell this is going ^ nothing to do with the previously mentioned, as i said, i know who i am, my friends know who i am, nobody gives a shit get oooover it
but until then, im going to sleep
<3
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[28 Jan 2006|11:49pm] |
trace the moment
fall forever
defense is paper thin
just one touch and id be in
too deep now to ever swim against the current
so let me slip away
so let me slip away
so let me slip against the current
so let me slip away
so let me slip away
so let me slip away
vindicated...acoustic version
myspace just freaked me out so badly
i swear im insane
have you ever been so sure you're imagining something
like theyre are certain parts of it that you KNOW cant be real so it makes the whole thing not real
like the date is the 25th or something and it says the 26th
thats a bad example
gah never mind
too hard to explain
im wide awake but im dreaming
its kinda liike when youre looking at someone and out of no where they mouth "i love you"
and youre like whooa wait what did that just happen
..another bad example
its funny how sometimes you really never know if you imagine something or not
it also sucks wen you cant ask someone something so youll never know if you imagined it or not
myspace...stop messing with me
how funny would that be tho
hey nothing would surprise me right now haha
im going to write a movie
<3
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[28 Jan 2006|02:30pm] |
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Although you might be putting more attention than usual toward playful activities, pleasure may not be forthcoming. Even simple romantic adventures run into delays now while you overcome logistical problems. Reality seems to get in the way of enjoyment just enough to make you realize what you are missing. Hang in there; you'll overcome the obstacles no matter how ponderous they seem.
thats nice fucking horoscope
i know this isnt going to be a good day i feel like absolute crap even after two huge cups of coffee i have so much hw and gah whatever yesterday was awesome
all im goign to say is this in the card game with emily and her grandparents clea was winning clea did the right thing and helped emily cus she was losing and gave her good advice even tho it wasnt in cleas favor to help her and then clea wasnt going to win anymore it was neck and neck but on the last round clea got the bonus and won
parallel to life? ..i wish
it should be when you do the right thing you should end up on top but thats not how it really goes is it
ive said this before and ill say it again you never know what can happen
but i think im done waiting for it to whatever "it" may be
i think its time to stop fooling myself
we're not going to be okay
i w i l l b e
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[26 Jan 2006|11:54pm] |
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hi
god its late
i just read my journal from 8th grade
haha i thought by this time i wouldnt have stupid online journals anymore
im the only one out of everyone who still updates
its an easy way to remember things i guess
but anyway
i didnt just read my old journal
i read someone elses
i dont know why
i guess to try to understand
and i do
and im happy for you
i dont understand why you cant have both
but whatever
not my business anymore i guess
but anyway
back to mine
its late and i want to go to bed
all i want to say is
after reading all that
it seemed like the last two years were all in preparation for everything i just lost
that makes sense to me i promise
the good news is, and yes theres always good news
it can only get better from here
i still feel like theres something to come
but if theres not
i guess there will be something i just dont knwo about yet
of course i can sit here and wonder about all the things i did and didn't do and i could go as far back as never leaving pine crest
but things happen the way they were supposed to
and i guess this wasnt our time
im not going to lie
i still love you
definitely as my best friend even though i cant say that without feeling stupid anymore
and maybe more but i dont care to think about it
and i miss what we had more than anything in my whole life
but i guess the more amazing things are the worse it feels to lose them
it wasnt fair
but tomorrows a new day
and tomorrow i think its time
now that ive accepted things cannot be the same
its time to show you, the world, and especially me, that im fine without you.
more than fine
ive gained something from this
im not sure what it is
but i know its there
and when i find it, ill share
until then
ill keep on listening to this playlist i made
hmmmmm
valentines day
hmmmmm
is this worth fighting for?
good night
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[23 Jan 2006|10:51pm] |
So lets not even try... you're right.
Let's ball it up and throw it out the window. It's becoming all so clear
In my mind.
I've thought this thing through more than once or twice. I feel that this
Is my last request to you.
Hold your breath.... bottle it up and save it for the next one. It's safe
To say we've been writing this
All night. None of this will ever change your mind. It's never safe to
Rely on borrowed
Time. Now we're both undone, and it's time to open
Up your eyes.
Consequence, it's our need in times like these.
Feeling free... it's our modern disease. Your a classic disaster, with a
Knack for losing your
Exterior. (I'm so sick)... from staring at the mirror.
This all needs a break from you, and I'm used to this.
I fear that I am just an end.
So you play the mistaken... and I'll play the victim in our screenplay of
Desire... I'm still writing the letters
I'll never send.
Running in circles I can't forget how many times
I've played this in my mind.... feeling free, feeling free.
Consequence, it's our need in times like these.
Feeling free... it's our modern disease. Your a classic disaster, with a
Knack for losing your exterior. (I'm so sick)... from
Staring at the mirror.
This is my panic... This is my call to arms.
so i havent written in awhile
not here not anywhere
i didnt even write about my huge epiphany last night
i dont think i will
not yet at least
i think about all the things ive said over the last couple of weeks
and im not going to lie about it
i love you
and you know what
its getting to be okay that you can't feel the same
i feel like if this was supposed to be it would be
and maybe its just not supposed to be right now
but you know what
im not gonna focus on it
there so much else going on
i have a feeling these things work themselves out in the end
a n y t h i n g i s p o s s i b l e
no one can really predict the way things will turn out
whatever happens, i've got the soundtrack to it :~D
music is my boyfriend
and always will be
<3
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[19 Jan 2006|06:13pm] |
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What is usually fun and games for you seems like extra work now. Social events can drain you as you attempt to get others to live up to their end of the deal. But people are flaking on you and there's not much you can do to change this. You will feel more relaxed if you can let go of your expectations
oh horoscopes
okay
i think im getting the hang of this
expectations are slipping out the window
i dont need to be treated like this
it was the best thing that has ever happened
in all of its briefness
i dont care if im just saying this to make myself feel better: its better this way
its easier to let go of something when that something turns out to be not exactly what you thought it was
in short
id rather be unwanted by an asshole
than the perfect person who i've been waiting to find all of your life
i was just a moment to you
turns out you were just a moment to me
we, were a moment
and now i can see you for who you are
not that i wanted you turn out to be this way
not at all
but its better this way
cus now im not missing anything worth missing
i think tomorrow shall be a new day
obvisouly every day is a "new" day
but you know what i mean
there is change in the air
i figured this all out in my head
why this happened
im not going to go into it now
but trust me
it sounds pretty damn good
maybe this will all change someday
maybe theres an excuse for your actions
honestly
at this point
ive stopped caring
and the whole idea of a "best friend" is f ucking retarded
thanks for enabling me to come to that conclusion really i thank you
people need to depend on more than one person
so im the bestest friend nayone could ask for
you, my friend, are the worst
im looking for the silver lining
i think its this: its good this happened now, its good i saw you for who you really are instead of having secret intentions for the next 3 years
this may have completed sucked
i think it actually could be classfied as probably the worst feelings ive had since i wnated to kill myself in like middle school
but you know what
its all good
theres so much more out there
you arent everything even though you, and most of the world, seems to think you are
i admit
i was swept away
i thought it was true good to be true, someone like you
turns out it was
but hey
same old story right?
we move on
we cry we write a lot of crap about it we go to bed feeling absolutely worthless
but we get to this point right now where we realize how meaningless you are how you are never going to have any lasting relationships if you treat people like this how we can say all those lines like the one i just said but we know in our hearts that you are just growing up and figuring out yourself just as we are
and we get up one day
and we realize this is life
and we're ready for whatevers coming next
and sure we'll miss the good times but they seem so fleeting when we really think about it all a bunch of incredible "moments' but what the hell else is new
and we're wondering why we've suddnely become skitzophrenic haha
seriously when did i become we
i dont know
i have homework
<3
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[18 Jan 2006|06:50pm] |
this is me wishing you
into the worst situations
I'm the kind of kid
that can't let anything go
but you wouldn't know a good thing
if it came up and slit your throat
im wearing my lucky pants..im wearing my lucky pants..im wearing my lucky pants...
ok
ok
this is on two different topics entirely but
when this night is over
tomorrow is a new day
im learning how to forget you day by day
ive become reobessesed with fall out boy
this is your last chance
well my last chance really
this is the last time
on two accounts
gah
i make no sense
"i don't blame you for being you but you can't blame me for hating it"
i guess that kind of goes out to two people
i think they each deserve a second line
1: "You expect me to apologize
for things that you've done wrong.
While you're inciting others.
You're owning up to nothing
and I wish that I was gone,
because you're not going anywhere." - dashboard
and.."goodbye" - me
2. "You and me we were never meant to be. I don’t deserve this, end of story. You and I were supposed to just be friends until the end.
You, you’ve got me, you’ve got me wrapped around your fingers. You’re taking full advantage. You, you’ve got me, you’ve got me coming back again. You’re taking me for granted. " - fallen from the sky
speaking of
jan 20th 7:00 PM roberts theater
CONCERT
MADELYN FALLEN FROM THE SKY OTHERS BE THERE BITCHES
<3
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[16 Jan 2006|12:09pm] |
You normally know how to make the best of a situation and turn difficult circumstances into an enjoyable time. Today, however, the lemonade may not taste sweet enough, no matter how much sugar you add. Once you recognize that emotional satisfaction may be hard to come by now, you'll be able to get on with your day and finish the work that must be completed. You can at least take pride in what you do.
well thats just dandy
going to school to work on the movie with christian...
note to self "emotional satisfaction may be hard to come by now"
not that that wasnt a given
you know what
im going to prove horoscopes wrong
ive done it before
im bring lots and lots of sugar
ahh eff this lab up the ass
<3
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[15 Jan 2006|03:27pm] |
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I change my theories on life often. I guess it’s all part of being sixteen. I used to write stories all the time, well, start them at least. I don’t really know what happened. I think my life became more interesting than the stories I wrote. Or maybe movies were easier to relate to. I don’t know. This is what I do, I overanalyze and I get it from my mother and it’s a trait I wish I didn’t have. I have issues making decisions. It’s sad. I have a new theory on decision making actually. In a nutshell, it’s that there is no so called “right decision”. Everyone always strives to make the “right” choice. In reality, it’s the choice we make that becomes the right one. It’s natural; it’s how we get by. What am I writing this for? I have no idea. I’m so in the mood to write a story. A good one. And for once maybe I’d finish it. There are so many topics to write about. I think the reason I can never end my stories is because they are intertwined with whatever is happening in my own life and I hate predicting the future. I should pick something that already happened and work off of that. Better yet I should write about something completely unrelated to anything that is in my life. I’m more of a “random thoughts writer”. Like a magazine editorial. I should look into that business. I should take journalism. I should do my foundations project.
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| and suddenly just like that i could write songs again..screamo..yea..go figure |
[15 Jan 2006|02:21pm] |
i'm not lying to myself now
caught a glimpse
half alive now
we play out these perfect scenes
its not a LIE but for the best of BOTH OF US
(or at least you)
this is not R E A L I T Y
this is just the songs in my head
but W H E R E I S T H E E N D
this hopeliss bliss is O V E R A T E D
the soundtrack to it becomes overplayed
i don't want any part of it
i want
I W A N T A L L O F I T!
when im with you
we are invincible
drink up glasses of ambiguity
your eyes confess a silent yearning
split second of epiphany
tastes like a defining moment
definition: flash of whats worth WAITING FOR
this is not R E A L I T Y
this is just the songs in my head
but W H E R E I S T H E E N D
this hopeliss bliss is O V E R A T E D
the soundtrack to it becomes overplayed
i don't want any part of it
i want
I W A N T A L L O F I T!
bury this contemplation
bolt the latch on the box
beneath the words i could not speak
one last rose colored tear (FOR TODAY!)
i am RESTLESS!
i am DESIRING!
you are YOU ARE! WISHFUL THINKING!
this is not R E A L I T Y
this is just the songs in my head
but W H E R E I S T H E E N D
this hopeliss bliss is O V E R A T E D
the soundtrack to it becomes overplayed
i don't want any part of it
i want
I W A N T A L L O F I T!
<3
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[14 Jan 2006|11:14pm] |
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i didnt even get to finish audition
im so fucking i dont know
i have tears of anger in my eyes
its cus im really pissed i didnt get to finish audition
cus my mother is fucking selfish dont even get me started
this isnt about audition tho is it
fuck
this was supposed to be easy
this was supposed to be perfect
so much for going back in time mentally
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[12 Jan 2006|05:00pm] |
ok thats it
my horoscope today said being real and honest will make everyone feel better
i doubt this will make anyone feel better
but im so sick and tired of it
i cant even begin to tell you
but you know what
im going to tell you
straight to your fucking face
word for word: yes there is a problem, it started with britton and the end is no where insight, i do not need a friend like you GET YOUR OWN FUCKING LIFE
blackout
cut to credits
one year long pre production
we shoot tomorrow
and what the post will bring
i do not know
and nor do i care
you know what
mr impulsive decision maker and i will have a chat tonight
and then we shall see cus if theres one thing i cannot do its impulsive decisions
he owes me one anyway
hmmmm...
gah
foundations
gaaaah
<3
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[08 Jan 2006|10:28pm] |
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wow i really miss writing
life has become too hectic
but anyway
my world is finally reaching a semi normalized place
the most crazy thing that hapepned in the last two days was at work when the computer ddnt work so we had to write down credit card numbers and this wasn't "acceptable" to a customer and he tore up his bill
and after he left i got the wonderful job of taping the 20 piece damn thing back together
im so excited for this weekend
i thought i wasnt allowed to make any plans cus putus coming down which really sucked cus i already promised people stuff and tonight i found out i have saturday free so i dont have to make anyone mad at me for once
and tonight it finally sunk in that everything will in fact be okay
so yea
life is effing wonderful
i ate waaay too much this weekend
im completely lost in honors chem
next week is going to be crazy
but you know what
MO IS BACK
so boo and ya
i love you all
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[07 Jan 2006|11:58am] |
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"I've read the tribute to the nice guys; this is my response. This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it. This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend. This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep. This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more..."
merry weekend to you all
i swear this has been the WIERDEST two weeks of my life yet 1) i almost went to boarding school 2) the "anything can happen, unexpected, this is too good to be true" occurred and as always was in fact too good to be true 3) i might have lost my best friend 4) the most random blast from the past, why is timing always so effing off?! somebody please explain that to me 5) i was seriously asked to join a threesome..im not even going to get into that one
so yea
foundations blows beyond anything i could have possibly imagined christian fucking left and now i am alone with a bunch of boca girl freshman
that class makes me want to shoot myself
i really hope tonight is fun
its cold out it has to be
maybe im just trying to grasp on to anything right now because of all the stuff that just happened/i realized
but i might have the slightest bit of feelings for someone right now
part of me wants to say fuc k you and your fucking morals if all im ever going to have is these random moments than fine fucking bring it on i had a half a mind to say yes to the threesome im just kidding but i do have half a mind to say yes to someone else why why why why why is life so weird weird weird
im going to blame this on mo ever since he left these things keep happening! im just going to go do hw
im kinda pissed at you ok i know i messed up i should have hung up the stupid phone but it was your idea and nowwen ive finally gotten it all figured out you wont even hear me out
maybe your phone broke again i really hope it did or maybe its good you turned out to be such an asshole
but somehow that doesnt change anything
im going to move to thailand
later dudes <3
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[05 Jan 2006|06:23pm] |
haha i just want to say
there is nothing like a good cheerup than reading through old lj entries
im not even sure if im being sarcastic ha
there was just this one entry
right before it all went to hell
right wen everything was perfect
just..neutral
and through reading that entry i could see how i felt
and the way to sum it up would be only one thing
"i could die right now clem..im just...happy"
oh the famous reoccurring quote
but anyway
it will be that way again
i know it
<3
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[03 Jan 2006|10:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
nothings changed yet e v e r y t h i n g is different
and by everything i mean me, me the fucking moment girl
me who should have known better
me who has given up on anything other than this
me who is going to see this as a blessing in disquise
im different
i dont know how
but i am
its somehow because of you
why am i hearing fall out boy lyrics in my head
things are going to be different
not necessarily good different
i feel like ive been dreaming these past two months
and now ive woken up
and although i miss the dream im glad it ended wen it did
because reality is fucked up
and theres still time
and i appologize in advance for what is to come
its different this time
finally for the right reasons
i guess that would be the way to put it
you are in for a rude awakening
and i
have a lot of work ahead of me
i stop for a second and wonder why these things cna never turn out right
just when i think ive finally found something
it all goes to hell
every single fucking time
and that second passes
and here i am
and here i go
oh its gonna be a good year
<3 <3 <3
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| happy new year |
[01 Jan 2006|03:06pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
ok i take back the freak out
because i just read over my new years entries from last year
and it was worse lsat year!!
so maybe im just one of those people that will always have unanswered situations on new years i think we almost always have unanswered questions and it just feels like you shouldnt at the end/start of a year so its all a bit more dramaztized
i mean another year of your life is gone
i have a lot to say but im so tired i just want to sleep
and i wnat you to come home and tell me everything i want to hear
although right now i have no idea waht that would be
i also read over this thing i filled out lsat year
i have changed so much since then
its crazy
well here goes
Best of the Year 2005
1. party: hmm...wow i cant even remember the last time i went to a party ...im thinking back a lot and i guess "prom" at dereks...dave..yea...who i ironically had a dream about last night random but not at the same time
2. show: ive stopped watching tv altogether this year i guess scrubs and degrassi evne tho i watch those on dvd/download
3. cd: oh man oh oh man ok this is hard hmmm it wasnt a great year for cds most of my favs are still from '04, im looking VERY forward to some certain 06 releases... just on the top of my head from under the cork tree, say hello to sunshine, x and y
4. movie: rent, elizabethtown, sin city
5. song: oh you are not doing that to me..one song...gahh...uhhh... ive got a dark alley....-fob
6. experience: pathfinders haha im serious, dave, filmcamp, meeting christian
8. book: dogs of babel, wow an easy one
9. month: hahaha april/may what a surprise
10. day: ..dave day, all the night beach trips with those i love most, and uhhh kinda sunday aka christmas
Worst of the Year 2004
1. party: homecoming ..wow that didnt change from last yaer
2. show: sweet 16 haha i HATE that show so much it makes me sick
3. cd: i cant think of one
4. movie: everything is illuminated it wasnt that it was so bad i was just looking sooo forward to it and was greatly diasspointed
5. song: lots i dont know
6. experience: hmm probably the aftermath of dave that sucked a whole lot or maybe the drunkness summer event
7. concert: havent been to a bad concert saves the day kinda sucked at the last one tho
8. book: i never actually read past the 1st chapter of bad books so wouldnt know..the scarlett letter heh
9. month: probably around the beginning of the year when i still liked henry or something
During 2004
1. where were you when it began? sashas...yeeea....
2. did you stay up?: of course
3. what was your new years resolution?: iim assuming something to do with getting over henry, losing weight, and never doing ..certain things.. again or something of the sort i dont really feel like looking back for it and ps the weight is the only thing there that could use some more work but hey at least theres some progress
4. how many boy/girlfriends?: um lets see..im not really sure what to classify some er experiences as 2 boyfriends 2..experiences...and one...in limbo as we speak
5. have any crushes?: right now? i dont' think id call it a crush its a lot more complicated than that
6. new friends? yes
7. had to say goodbye?: the people at film camp (i miss you guys soooo muc especially annie banana) im sure others that i cnat think of right now
8. missed anyone?: as in during the whole year? well yea tons of people such as henry for a while, dave for awhile, not goin g to list every one but as of right now? yea im missing someone, missing them a whole lot
9. win anything?: yes!!! i actually did win someting!! the fresh films contest and then final cut productions utie which i am still trying to sell since i already own it anyone interested?
10. best place you went to?: band trip, paris, beaver creek, guatemala...miami...
11. worst place you went to?: cant really recall a bad place
12. happiest moment?: oh maaaan..ive had so many thats what my life is these fucking unbelievable moments and then the aftermath weve been through this heh ok um ..dave...that moment on pathfinders when i finally got over some stuff....that moment at the end of the school year when i realized how happy i was...the moment at film camp wen my movie was shown in a movie theater in front of abunch of people...the last night of film camp but sad at the same time...uh theres so many more...definitely the beach moments those are always such great moments...and that reminds me of sunday...christmas..that moment
13. how was your birthday?: i knew this stupid test was gonna depress me somehow ALWAYS SPEND YOUR BIRTHDAY WITH YOUR FRIENDS especially wen its your 16th the one you've looked forward to your whole life...you fall down, you get back up....17th will rock!
14. best present?: my new ipod! yay!!...and the MAC THE MAC THE MAC and..FINAL CUT FINAL CUT FINAL CUT and my best bday present was def from em for going to coldplay with me thanks em :) i <3 u
Hopes for 2005
1. predict something that you think will happen in 2005?: oy..ok all im going to say is this..a LOT is going to change, there are a lot of things going on right now and this is just the beginning, and whatever happens will happen the way it was supposed to be
2. what do you hope changes about your country?: HA do not i repeat DO NOT get me started
3. what do you hope for yourself?: i hope that i can continue to grow and learn from my experiences...a little bit more of that wouldnt hurt..i hope that wen it comes time to make an upcoming decision i make it for myself and no one else...i hope that a situation works out the way i want it to and if not i guess thats okay too..i hope that if it does work out it wont prevent from something else, i hope that whatever happens i can keep on handlign things the way i knwo i can, i also hope that christian and i will acutally make this movie were talkinga bout, my first feature film, its doable, and i really hope that whatever happens nothign will get in the way of that
4. what do you hope for your family?: my dad not have to work so hard, my mom ...if there was some way to improve our relationship, i hope we find it
5. what do you hope for your best friends? i hope they have the time of their lives, i hope that if things have to go a certain way they will understand, in no particular order Em, Jess, Christian, Cristina i love you guys to death, thank you for always being there for me, i am always here for you, and we are going to fucking rock 2006
10 Things You Remember in 2004
1. the band trip..man ive always started out with the band trip every time i do this thing..guess this is hte last time :(
2. the seniors and allk those friday nights
3. dave
4. britton
5. coldplay
6. the beach walks
7. 12/25/05
8. my 16th bday
9. film camp
10.my grandparents 50th anniversary
9 Things That Changed in 2004
1. me
2. my friends
3. my family
4. my myspace haha
5. my hair
6. my weight a bit
7. my outlooks on life
8. my goals in life
9. my relationships especially with a certian person
8 Movies You Saw
1. star wars III
2. sin city
3. king kong
4. harry potter and the golbet of fire
5. rent
6. elizabethtown
7. bewitched
8. garden state for the 18th billionth time : D
7 Things You Learned
1. anythign is possible
2. people change
3. things do turn out okay
4. things happen when you least expect them
5. always stay true to yourself
6. people make mistakes, you make mistakes to grow
7. live for the moment and the future at the very same time, find that balance, stick with it
6 Things You Bought
1.cds
2.clothes
3. food
4. movies
5. great presents for people (i pride myself)
6. king albino
4 People You Will Never Forget (is like people who have made an impact on you in 2005?ill do it like that)
1. my best friends cus wut the hell would i do w/o you guys
2. dave abel
3. annie
4. christian
3 People You Met
1.annie
2.christian
3. mo
3 People You Love
1. my family (parents)
2. my friends (annie em jess cristina christian)
3. my pets (kira, sushi..sometimes)
2 People Who Changed Your Life
1. me
2. my friends (i cnat just pick two you guys have all impacted me in different ways)
1 Person You Helped
1. all of my friends at different times, especially lately
i fucking love you all happy new year 2006 what is to come i do not know but whatever it is i am ready to face it head on
<3 <3 <3
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[30 Dec 2005|12:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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30 seconds to mars |
] |
this downhill spiral really needs to stop
gah
i dont even know who i am anymore
i hate this
it doesnt even have to do with one specific "thing"
its jus tlike everything gaaaah
There are very many things
I would like to say to you,
but i've lost my way
and I've lost my words.
There are very many places
I would like to go
but I can't find the key
to open my door.
The weight of my words-
you can't feel it anymore.
The weight of my words-
you can't feel it anymore.
There are very many ways
I would like to break the spell
you've cast upon me.
Because all the time
I sacrificed myself
to make you want me,
has made you hant me.
The weight of my words
you can't feel it anymore...
i dont really update anymore cus stuff has gotten too personal for this stupid online thng
new years is in one day
i cant believe it
i wish it could wait a week or so heh
i hate feeling so messed up especially when i want to kinda recap the year and such
maybe everything could be figured out by tomorrow?
hå
not exaclty possible
oh well
im still deciding whehter this journal is going to get my gigantic new years rant or not
its a tradition
but still
blegh
im going to lunch
<3
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[28 Dec 2005|10:34am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
all hail the heartbreaker |
] |
so i really dont know how im going to survive this week
and no it doesnt have allthat much to do with any "situation"
it more has to do with my fucking mother
ahhh i cant take it i just cant
maybe i should go to boarding school just to get awawy from this cus i swear it gets worse every day
its so UNECESSARY
this isnt like normal teenage/mother shit
jaah
anyway i really hope i can go to the madelyn concert tonight but i cant really ask right now with the ways she is being
so yea
hello extremely long week
maybe ill write some songs for the first time in awhile
now that i have this wooonderful computer to edit with
watch my favorite movies..garden state...sigh...oh im so melodramatic i want to punch myself in the face sometimes
but yea
you had to say it ddint you
talked to garret for awhile last night, how incredibly strange i know
guess it was meant to happen since hes in pretty much the exact same situation i am
i havne talked to him in so long
ironic, as always
i need a new word for ironic i say the freaking word so much
maybe ill write a movie
maybe ill write a movie about all of this
i bought all these random things in south beach
like these cards that say quotes on them such as nothing means more than day and shoot for the moon blah blah blah
yes
of course they had that quote
of course
i think im making something with thtem not sure what tho
hopefully not something for someone else
hopefully something for me
ive filled up 30 pagess of my notebook journal in two days
crazyness man
this had to happen at a time like this
what else is new
but yea im not really going to go into that now
i do have to say its nice to be able to admit this to myself i feel like a weight is gone
like im not hiding anything anymore even tho it was subconcious
ok enough
im going to have a hell of a fun week minus mi madre
and i think i stole this from gabby
but...
whatevers meant to be will find its way
<3
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| wow.... |
[27 Dec 2005|07:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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indescribable |
] |
| [ |
music |
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haha oh..wow... |
] |
life
continues to surprise me
ive said this before and ill say it again
i was born to make movies
put 'cineamatic moments" up on screen
those moments that people do not forget so full of emotion, intense, real
why
because my life IS a fucking movie
thats why
theres the "moments"
and theres the wonderful in limbo lea∂ing up to those "moments"
and then
theres the...aftermath...boo to you, aftermath
and how i could i forget the unbelievable ironies
i swear
sometimes i really wonder if this is all some crazy dream
my life i mean
how is it that after all this time i still say to myself, i thought these things only happened in the movies'
i am not my own nome
and where oh where do we go from here
...back from miami btw
and this might in fact be one of the longest upcoming weeks of my life
and maybe it will be like it never happened at all
and maybe thats what i am afraid of
<3
ps
it wasnt a lonely christmas eve feeling
and yes ive known it all along
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